mental illness

Postpartum Depression I

“Mothers cannot give from a depleted source. Every mother needs emotional, mental, physical and spiritual validation, nourishment and support. When a mother is respected and well cared for, she, and her whole family, will benefit.”

IMG_0835

I think this has been the post I’ve mostly put off. There is a lot of things that happened, that it scares me a bit to see it typed out. This was a time for me where I didn’t know how strong I could be until I had no other choice.

When my first daughter was born, I was 19. I instantly fell in love with the idea of having a little person of my¬†own, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. My pregnancy wasn’t planned or meant “to trap” anyone. I used every method possible to prevent from becoming pregnant, but nonetheless she came and she brightened my world. Soon after I gave birth to her, her and I¬† had a bit of trouble breast-feeding. I eventually started feeling as if I wasn’t worthy enough of being her Mom. She was so sweet and hardly ever gave me trouble. 2 weeks after birth she started having some respiratory problems. After fighting with every Dr. possible, we got an RSV diagnosis. My mind, being what it is, also blamed me. Before she was born, I dealt with all my in-laws, and friends¬†of in-laws tell everyone I knew and everyone that they knew, and basically anyone who cared to hear, that I had “trapped” my child’s father by getting pregnant with my daughter, and that my daughter was probably not even his. I think that their rumors, made me feel horrible not for myself but for my daughter because I knew that one day this would affect her. I eventually decided to work things out with her father having faith that the rumors would all just go away. I was still suffering from postpartum depression but would fill my time with as much work as I could. I eventually had a huge blow out with my mom because my parents didn’t agree with letting my daughter see her father because of all the shit they where talking and lying about. I felt like it was unfair for my daughter to be away from her father. So I was then kicked out of my parents house. I stayed with a friend for a day and then moved into my in-laws house with their father. My in-laws, eventually told us they didn’t want us there so we had to leave. I then decided to rent our own apartment with her dad. That apartment I would eventually loose. Her father was so attached to his family, that even though my daughter was his and he knew it, I wasn’t getting any support from him. I was working, going to school and coming home to my little girl just in time to watch the 11pm teletubbies. After a huge fight and her father not coming home, eventually he left. I also blamed myself. Now, I wasn’t just suffering from postpartum disorder but I also felt completely alone, but I had her, and she helped that loneliness. I decided that her and I would do it alone and we would succeed, because regardless of what her family said and thought, I knew we had a heart of gold and that, no one could touch. About¬†2 months after all this, I would find out that I was pregnant again with my second child, of course from my same first child’s father.

To be continued…….

To: Hailee

“Yeah I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now. But hey, what’d Momma always tell you? Straighten up, little soldier, stiffen up that upper lip! What you cryin’ about? You got me.

mental illness

Self Harm

“I lay in bed at night, thinking about every possible thing, I fucked up today.”

IMG_0767

I think everyone that self harms, remembers the first time they cut. I can’t remember the exact day. I was sixteen, and it was on my wrist with a razor blade I removed from a razor. The feeling at the time was of relief, relief to feel something because for sometime I had felt numb. It proved to me that I was human after all and that everything I was going through was real. At the time, my cousin, my best friend since birth was killed, I was¬†raped and harassed¬†by an old boyfriend, when I stopped contact¬†with him because of what he did to me,¬†he stalked me and even got violent with me. ¬†I was also in a car accident that totaled my car. All of this within a years span. I thankfully was already in therapy, maybe not the best therapy but Lord knows that little bit saved me. I eventually forgot about cutting and moved on to picking my cuticles till they bleed, biting every one of my finger nails so short that they hurt even to shower. I pull out my hair without knowing. I scratch until I welt. I pick at scabs over and over until I bleed. I thought back then when I gave up cutting, that I was done with self harming. Little did I know that I was subconsciously still doing it but in a different forms. The positive is now knowing because if I’m attentive enough, maybe I can remind myself not to do it. The problem is, sometimes you just want to feel alive.

mental illness

Debilitating Perturbation

“And all of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had.” (bgt)

anxiety picture

Everyone has some anxiety in one way or another. The college student that is in finales will most likely have anxiety and nervousness¬†about her/his upcoming tests. The first day of a new job or the first day of school may cause most people to have anxiety. That type of anxiety is healthy, it keeps us going and gives us a sense of accomplishment when done. Debilitating Anxiety however, isn’t healthy. I can only tell you how I experience debilitating anxiety. Physically, my hands and feet sweat puddles, my feet will literally slide of my sandal from them sweating. I get flushed, my heart beats a million miles an hour, I start to feel like my whole body is over heating, I get migraines from anxiety, sometimes my body aches for no reason. Mentally, If I’m not busy, my mind starts over thinking,over analyzing. My thoughts become dark and not to tear anyone apart in any way, only to tear me apart. The darkness in my brain engulfs me with thoughts of not being worthy, my mind forgave the people who left my side, but it never forgave me for what my mind was telling me, which was that I must have done something or something in me wasn’t worthy of them staying. Simple things cause anxiety for me, making calls and talking on the phone gives me anxiety, meeting new people gives me anxiety. My anxiety is debilitating at times in so many ways. It has such a power to affect the ones I love. I’m hoping to one day fully mend the pain that my anxiety has caused myself and my loved ones. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the journey of finally putting my mental health first. Self Care is one thing in my life that won’t be put on the back burner again.

mental illness

Black Despair

“You wake up every morning to fight the demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”IMG_7930

I think I remember my first depressive episode happening in¬†my early 20’s. I had gone through so much already at that age that honestly I’m not surprised I didn’t end up in a long term hospital because I lost my shit (please excuse my language, I come from a very blunt family so I feel like if I can’t be myself in¬†my¬†blog, if I can’t write it like I think¬†it,¬†¬†it will be difficult¬†to get to¬†know me, so I embrace who I am.) I however of course was still majorly depressed, so I did what I normally now do and sleep, I slept what felt like days. At the time however I already had my first daughter and it was just¬†her and I¬†against the world. I vaguely remember her and I sleeping a lot, I remember getting¬†up for work everyday, making sure she ate and was clean and then, it was like my mind turned off, I would end up sleeping with her for hours. Till this day I feel guilty and it breaks my heart to know that in some way or another she¬†is affected by it. However being so young and coming from a family that knew, nor taught anything about mental illness, I was so hard on myself, I retraced step by step every single thing I thought I did wrong or anytime I hurt a family member with an outburst (caused from keeping quiet so I wouldn’t upset anyone.) I didn’t just retrace it but I would beat myself up about it. I blamed myself for people who walked all over me and left me to pick up the pieces. I was and still am my worst critic. I am now learning however that I can’t continue to make excuses and blame myself for a handful of people that have chosen to walk out of my life. I also need to let go of the idea that when I hit a depressive state, I’m being a horrible mother, I hope my kids understand that on some days ¬†Mommy only did her best because her mind was so engulfed in darkness that in that moment that’s all she could give.

mental illness

Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

bipolar_mania

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can¬†or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things¬† done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thought. I stress myself out¬†about getting it all done cause I never know when the mania will leave and my¬†depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep. ¬†I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,¬† and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.

mental illness

BIPOLAR 1

“Your only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”-Robin Williams

The confirmed diagnosis. I had a major depressive disorder diagnosis, for about 2 years before it changed. I was of course on medication and waiting for it to help with my chaotic mind. ¬†It helped a bit, but not enough to change my quality of life. I still had extreme lows and extreme highs, at the time however I hadn’t noticed it.¬† When I finally question my diagnosis was when my mind went back to all my¬† ups and lows. There where days, weeks, or even months sometimes where I could work like a mad women. Sometimes working 7 nights in¬†a row a week, plus crocheting, coloring, watching every binge worthy show in sight and still manage to stay up with my son till 5pm, and pick up kids at school and feed them. Of course, the higher the high, the lower the low. Super mommy eventually burned out, there where days where it hurt to get out of bed, and it didn’t help that I felt guilty with my kids for always being tired. Often I would push through on no sleep and run¬†around Disneyland with them, or we would drive anywhere just to eat good food, or sometimes even the beach.¬†My highs where fun not just for me but for everyone. My lows where low, I¬†couldn’t get out of bed and when I did, I was miserable, my stomach was off, I would feel like I had¬† to throw up, I would get major migraines and my body ached.¬†I was also explosive and honestly scared I would end up catching a case one day cause a stranger pissed me off. I know the way I put it may sound a bit funny but I have to tell you, it is miserable. All of this of course contributed to my diagnosis change. I can’t remember the exact date but I can tell you when I realized it. I was explaining to my psychiatrist how I was feeling, his facial expressions became very serious and he told me he had to consult with a more experienced Dr. He then came back somewhat sad looking and he told me that after reviewing my records, he believed I had bipolar disorder, He then went on to be extra careful when he spoke to me as if any minute I would break. He then adjusted my meds. That day I called or text a few close friends to let them know.¬†I’m blessed to have great people in my life because they helped me to see that Bipolar 1 doesn’t define me but helps to give Adi, that sparkle she misses sometimes.

Uncategorized

Empath

Empath- A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

empath_logoI think I realized I am an empath at around the age of 13; however coming from a family that knew nothing about empaths became difficult for me to understand why I could feel other people emotions and auras. It left me drained and without energy for my own emotions. Eventually my parents attributed it to¬†me now being a teenager and having a teenagers bad attitude. They didn’t know however that my mind was a battle field. As an adult, I went into the medical field, at the administrative end but still on the hospital unit. My goal was to be a nurse, I soon changed my mind. I realized that if I encountered any suffering from a patient, I would bring it home, It would be on my mind all day, it would trigger my anxiety to the point where I would scratch myself until I would welt. I didn’t know how to let out all that feeling because even though I could strongly feel the emotions of another person, it still was not my battle to fight. Now that I am a Mother, my children are also empaths, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, don’t get me wrong it breaks my heart when¬†one of them is depressed because of tragic world current events, or when they fear going to school ¬†because of school shootings. They are however some of the sweetest children, because they feel so deeply that they can’t help but be kind. I have not learned as of yet to turn off my empathy, I’m learning to cope with it, and work around it, but honestly being an empath is part of what makes me , me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.