mental illness

Black Despair

“You wake up every morning to fight the demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”IMG_7930

I think I remember my first depressive episode happening in¬†my early 20’s. I had gone through so much already at that age that honestly I’m not surprised I didn’t end up in a long term hospital because I lost my shit (please excuse my language, I come from a very blunt family so I feel like if I can’t be myself in¬†my¬†blog, if I can’t write it like I think¬†it,¬†¬†it will be difficult¬†to get to¬†know me, so I embrace who I am.) I however of course was still majorly depressed, so I did what I normally now do and sleep, I slept what felt like days. At the time however I already had my first daughter and it was just¬†her and I¬†against the world. I vaguely remember her and I sleeping a lot, I remember getting¬†up for work everyday, making sure she ate and was clean and then, it was like my mind turned off, I would end up sleeping with her for hours. Till this day I feel guilty and it breaks my heart to know that in some way or another she¬†is affected by it. However being so young and coming from a family that knew, nor taught anything about mental illness, I was so hard on myself, I retraced step by step every single thing I thought I did wrong or anytime I hurt a family member with an outburst (caused from keeping quiet so I wouldn’t upset anyone.) I didn’t just retrace it but I would beat myself up about it. I blamed myself for people who walked all over me and left me to pick up the pieces. I was and still am my worst critic. I am now learning however that I can’t continue to make excuses and blame myself for a handful of people that have chosen to walk out of my life. I also need to let go of the idea that when I hit a depressive state, I’m being a horrible mother, I hope my kids understand that on some days ¬†Mommy only did her best because her mind was so engulfed in darkness that in that moment that’s all she could give.

mental illness

Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

bipolar_mania

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can¬†or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things¬† done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thought. I stress myself out¬†about getting it all done cause I never know when the mania will leave and my¬†depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep. ¬†I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,¬† and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.

mental illness

BIPOLAR 1

“Your only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”-Robin Williams

The confirmed diagnosis. I had a major depressive disorder diagnosis, for about 2 years before it changed. I was of course on medication and waiting for it to help with my chaotic mind. ¬†It helped a bit, but not enough to change my quality of life. I still had extreme lows and extreme highs, at the time however I hadn’t noticed it.¬† When I finally question my diagnosis was when my mind went back to all my¬† ups and lows. There where days, weeks, or even months sometimes where I could work like a mad women. Sometimes working 7 nights in¬†a row a week, plus crocheting, coloring, watching every binge worthy show in sight and still manage to stay up with my son till 5pm, and pick up kids at school and feed them. Of course, the higher the high, the lower the low. Super mommy eventually burned out, there where days where it hurt to get out of bed, and it didn’t help that I felt guilty with my kids for always being tired. Often I would push through on no sleep and run¬†around Disneyland with them, or we would drive anywhere just to eat good food, or sometimes even the beach.¬†My highs where fun not just for me but for everyone. My lows where low, I¬†couldn’t get out of bed and when I did, I was miserable, my stomach was off, I would feel like I had¬† to throw up, I would get major migraines and my body ached.¬†I was also explosive and honestly scared I would end up catching a case one day cause a stranger pissed me off. I know the way I put it may sound a bit funny but I have to tell you, it is miserable. All of this of course contributed to my diagnosis change. I can’t remember the exact date but I can tell you when I realized it. I was explaining to my psychiatrist how I was feeling, his facial expressions became very serious and he told me he had to consult with a more experienced Dr. He then came back somewhat sad looking and he told me that after reviewing my records, he believed I had bipolar disorder, He then went on to be extra careful when he spoke to me as if any minute I would break. He then adjusted my meds. That day I called or text a few close friends to let them know.¬†I’m blessed to have great people in my life because they helped me to see that Bipolar 1 doesn’t define me but helps to give Adi, that sparkle she misses sometimes.

Uncategorized

Empath

Empath- A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

empath_logoI think I realized I am an empath at around the age of 13; however coming from a family that knew nothing about empaths became difficult for me to understand why I could feel other people emotions and auras. It left me drained and without energy for my own emotions. Eventually my parents attributed it to¬†me now being a teenager and having a teenagers bad attitude. They didn’t know however that my mind was a battle field. As an adult, I went into the medical field, at the administrative end but still on the hospital unit. My goal was to be a nurse, I soon changed my mind. I realized that if I encountered any suffering from a patient, I would bring it home, It would be on my mind all day, it would trigger my anxiety to the point where I would scratch myself until I would welt. I didn’t know how to let out all that feeling because even though I could strongly feel the emotions of another person, it still was not my battle to fight. Now that I am a Mother, my children are also empaths, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, don’t get me wrong it breaks my heart when¬†one of them is depressed because of tragic world current events, or when they fear going to school ¬†because of school shootings. They are however some of the sweetest children, because they feel so deeply that they can’t help but be kind. I have not learned as of yet to turn off my empathy, I’m learning to cope with it, and work around it, but honestly being an empath is part of what makes me , me and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Uncategorized

AMBIVERT

Thanks for joining me!

I’m both; introvert and extrovert. I like people but I need to be alone. I’ll go out, vibe, and meet new people but it has an expiration, because I have to recharge. If I don’t find the valuable time I need¬†to recharge I cannot be my highest self.”-Sylvester McNutt III

Growing up, I never imagined that there was anyone else that felt the same way I did. I didn’t understand why, one minute I loved people around me like¬†family, friends and people I loved, and want nothing to do with them, the next minute. It took me stopping (or life forcing me to stop) and look at myself and try my best to understand just who I am. In the process, I realized a few things that I now don’t let defined me but have definitely decided that¬† I will do all I can to live my best life, by¬†learning to live with what my highest power has given me, and taking it as a blessing rather than a curse. I am an empath, and ambivert, living with Bipolar 1 disorder. This is my progress, what I have learned and will learn along the way. I’m far from perfect but if this will help someone and help me meet people and hear stories of others that are like me, It will be all I ask for.