“Your only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”-Robin Williams
The confirmed diagnosis. I had a major depressive disorder diagnosis, for about 2 years before it changed. I was of course on medication and waiting for it to help with my chaotic mind. It helped a bit, but not enough to change my quality of life. I still had extreme lows and extreme highs, at the time however I hadn’t noticed it. When I finally question my diagnosis was when my mind went back to all my ups and lows. There where days, weeks, or even months sometimes where I could work like a mad women. Sometimes working 7 nights in a row a week, plus crocheting, coloring, watching every binge worthy show in sight and still manage to stay up with my son till 5pm, and pick up kids at school and feed them. Of course, the higher the high, the lower the low. Super mommy eventually burned out, there where days where it hurt to get out of bed, and it didn’t help that I felt guilty with my kids for always being tired. Often I would push through on no sleep and run around Disneyland with them, or we would drive anywhere just to eat good food, or sometimes even the beach. My highs where fun not just for me but for everyone. My lows where low, I couldn’t get out of bed and when I did, I was miserable, my stomach was off, I would feel like I had to throw up, I would get major migraines and my body ached. I was also explosive and honestly scared I would end up catching a case one day cause a stranger pissed me off. I know the way I put it may sound a bit funny but I have to tell you, it is miserable. All of this of course contributed to my diagnosis change. I can’t remember the exact date but I can tell you when I realized it. I was explaining to my psychiatrist how I was feeling, his facial expressions became very serious and he told me he had to consult with a more experienced Dr. He then came back somewhat sad looking and he told me that after reviewing my records, he believed I had bipolar disorder, He then went on to be extra careful when he spoke to me as if any minute I would break. He then adjusted my meds. That day I called or text a few close friends to let them know. I’m blessed to have great people in my life because they helped me to see that Bipolar 1 doesn’t define me but helps to give Adi, that sparkle she misses sometimes.