mental illness

Black Despair

“You wake up every morning to fight the demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”IMG_7930

I think I remember my first depressive episode happening in my early 20’s. I had gone through so much already at that age that honestly I’m not surprised I didn’t end up in a long term hospital because I lost my shit (please excuse my language, I come from a very blunt family so I feel like if I can’t be myself in my blog, if I can’t write it like I think it,  it will be difficult to get to know me, so I embrace who I am.) I however of course was still majorly depressed, so I did what I normally now do and sleep, I slept what felt like days. At the time however I already had my first daughter and it was just her and I against the world. I vaguely remember her and I sleeping a lot, I remember getting up for work everyday, making sure she ate and was clean and then, it was like my mind turned off, I would end up sleeping with her for hours. Till this day I feel guilty and it breaks my heart to know that in some way or another she is affected by it. However being so young and coming from a family that knew, nor taught anything about mental illness, I was so hard on myself, I retraced step by step every single thing I thought I did wrong or anytime I hurt a family member with an outburst (caused from keeping quiet so I wouldn’t upset anyone.) I didn’t just retrace it but I would beat myself up about it. I blamed myself for people who walked all over me and left me to pick up the pieces. I was and still am my worst critic. I am now learning however that I can’t continue to make excuses and blame myself for a handful of people that have chosen to walk out of my life. I also need to let go of the idea that when I hit a depressive state, I’m being a horrible mother, I hope my kids understand that on some days  Mommy only did her best because her mind was so engulfed in darkness that in that moment that’s all she could give.

10 thoughts on “Black Despair”

  1. A poignant read. Sometimes you just have to follow the threads of yourself ,,,gathering them up as you go. And you know what the best gift to your daughter is?…. that you’re there for her. Loved the raw honesty in this 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Adi ypu are the best mother, even when ypu are suffering you did your best. Yes, the guilt is a bitter thing but it is there to teach us what not to do again, and learn from it…
    Trust me you have came far away, you are blessed with a gift that is “Figuring out your path, on yourself”…
    You are really awesome person.. Do the best with your daughter now 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for the “follow” and for sharing your life so openly. Moms always feel like it’s not enough, no matter how hard we try. We’re just people, not saints. Hard to remember some days. I’ll look forward to reading your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

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