mental illness

Self Harm

“I lay in bed at night, thinking about every possible thing, I fucked up today.”

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I think everyone that self harms, remembers the first time they cut. I can’t remember the exact day. I was sixteen, and it was on my wrist with a razor blade I removed from a razor. The feeling at the time was of relief, relief to feel something because for sometime I had felt numb. It proved to me that I was human after all and that everything I was going through was real. At the time, my cousin, my best friend since birth was killed, I was raped and harassed by an old boyfriend, when I stopped contact with him because of what he did to me, he stalked me and even got violent with me.  I was also in a car accident that totaled my car. All of this within a years span. I thankfully was already in therapy, maybe not the best therapy but Lord knows that little bit saved me. I eventually forgot about cutting and moved on to picking my cuticles till they bleed, biting every one of my finger nails so short that they hurt even to shower. I pull out my hair without knowing. I scratch until I welt. I pick at scabs over and over until I bleed. I thought back then when I gave up cutting, that I was done with self harming. Little did I know that I was subconsciously still doing it but in a different forms. The positive is now knowing because if I’m attentive enough, maybe I can remind myself not to do it. The problem is, sometimes you just want to feel alive.

60 thoughts on “Self Harm”

  1. Hey..we all go through some sort of unexpectedly bad things in our life and I could totally understand what you must have gone through and how it feels.. please don’t ever think of harming yourself and be strong.. let’s set an example that no matter what we go through, we won’t give up..

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, and I’m not sure if it helps but a lot of self harm behaviors are hard for them to stop or are unnoticed until the pain is felt. I think you are amazing for being that safe place for them to come to and to be able to voice what they are going through in regards to self harm. I would have loved to have someone like you in my life as a teen. As for me, even if I wanted help at the time, it Probably would have been impossible for anyone to know, I was a mastermind at hiding things. I’m not sure I was strong enough to bring it all to light until now. I’m glad my mind has finally accepted it.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This is great information and yes, I have noticed that teens tend to need to “feel” pain, especially when they have experienced a triggering event, or are going through a challenging time. Again, thank you so much for your transparency, and for this information!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Whatever words I say, they won’t relieve your pain and I know pain from the past stalks you until you accept and move forward… moving forward is so so hard… the only way to change is finding someone that loves you enough, either a friend, a family member, or a stable boyfriend that teaches you to love yourself again. And keeping a routine is important as well, until your brain gets used to a different path that doesn’t involve pain. Good luck and hope the future can bring so much happiness that whatever happens in your life, the past will just feel like a bad long distant nightmare…

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your advice and kind words, your right and your comment has already helped me see things in a different prospective. Typing it out loud and looking back at all I’ve survived helps me realize that I’ve come a long way even if I did feel lost while weathering the storm. Thank you for reading gorgeous 😍

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I was an EMT in London for a long time, and came across many cases of people self-harming, often extensively. Almost all were girls, aged 14-21, and most felt they couldn’t talk to anyone about it, or the issues that led them to do it. But that was a long time ago now, and there is so much qualified, experienced, and sympathetic help available now, fortunately.
    Thanks for following my blog, which is appreciated.
    Best wishes, Pete.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I want to write something that isn’t patronising or giving you advice. I don’t do much physical self-harm but I’m an expert at the mental side of things. The need to feel something is a horrible place to be. I hear you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hi

    Thank you. I am happy to see your  writing. It gives me a thoughtful thinking and am  happy for that. That is always my intention to see a post that gives me happiness.

    Am happy  to share at least a part of that happiness and love here as am  writing now.

    What you said in your post  is true, sometimes just a drop of that magical post in your blog  is enough to get a person to be happy.

    Well, If I wish to be happy is inevitable to keep the vibes flowing.

    Cheers,

    PATRICK

    #PATRICKSTORIES
    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you! I appreciate your thoughtful response.

        Such an awesome way of replying someone.
        Thanks. Again.

        You can also check on my blog for the recent post and say your own views and contribution on it.
        I did a good post about : SPOKEN WORDS CAN’T BE RETRIEVED

        Love to see your contributions on it.

        HAPPY SUNDAY

        You are welcome dear friend

        #PATRICKSTORIES
        Peace ✌and Love ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks    for accepting and following my blog.

    I’m available to read your post at my convenient time.

    You have such an interesting topic I will love to read in
    your blog.

    I still remain  the simple blogger…..

    #PATRICKSTORIES
    Peace ✌and Love ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  7. With all that you have gone through, your strength to talk about it right now shows your healing power. And true therapy is in writing, you wouldn’t believe how mind relaxing this is and it keeps your mind occupied reading also. Stay strong, but I don’t have to tell you that Angel, keep flying high.🌹

    Liked by 3 people

  8. It is sad that you had to experience such loss and abuse. But you re not alone, and no one has to tell you that. Self harm comes in many forms, from cutting and abusing alcohol and narcotics to something as seemingly benign as over (or under) eating. Many of us deal with inner pain in different ways. As others have said, it is in acknowledging it and facing it that your strength shows. I firmly believe we are capable of overcoming the greatest demon which is ultimately ourselves. Good luck on your journey!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. It’s a hard thing to relinquish. I cut up many a disposable razor when I was a teenager. And, you DO feel a relief afterwards. But, in the end, it helps nothing in terms of what is happening around you. I wish you luck…

    Liked by 2 people

  10. To cut in order to feel alive is such a sad way to be. I saw this many times over the years in my work in mental health. I’m glad you have found your voice and your courage. Every step forward is another step to health and wellness. Wish you well xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Thank you for sharing, like you said, sometimes you only want to feel alive, or feel something, or numb the things you do feel. I so hope you feel better now, and can find other ways to channel everything. Peace and love.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It breaks my heart to hear this, please know that I understand and if you ever need to just vent my here. I’m glad you’re finding other outlets to relive all that has been messing with your emotional state. My prayers are with you 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Stick to “feeling alive”, no matter what. 🙂
    And about self-harm, get yourself a piece of wood, about 2 inches thick, 5-6 long. And if you feel like harming yourself, get a cutter and cut the wood. After a while count the cuts on the wood. 😉
    Be good.

    Liked by 2 people

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