mental illness

Postpartum Depression II

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“If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, Than you’re a badass with a heart of an angel.” -Keanu Reeves

This has been the blog post that I have had the worst time putting out there. Not because I’m scared. I’ve been to places in my mind that makes it impossible to fear others. More because this is the first time I write about this time in my life. I’ve never seen it in print.

When I was 20, after my daughter’s father had left us. ¬†I was of course not in the best place emotionally. I blamed myself for him cheating on me and leaving us, even after I had genuinely forgave him. About 2 months after he left and cut all communication with me. Regardless of whether he saw our daughter or not. From the moment he moved out of our apartment, My daughter Hailee only saw her dad again 2 months after her younger sister was born.

When I found out I was pregnant, my stomach plummeted, how can I bring another little being into this life? to a father that could careless about both her and her older sister? How would I hide and prevent them from hearing¬†(their)/his¬†familie’s tongue lashing against Hailee? after all, they still told everyone they could that she wasn’t her dad’s. When I found out about my pregnancy. I tried to¬†contact their father, but like I said he never answered. I left him a voice message to let him know, and still no reply. I eventually contacted his sister and delivered an ultrasound picture to her for him to keep. Still, never an answer. I would later find out that he was dating a cousin’s sister-in-law, and that relationship there was the worst thing he could have done. I stopped trying to contact him,¬†because I got the point.¬†He was dodging his responsibility¬†to our girls. Eventually, he says a conversation with himself and that girl took place, (the girl he was dating) he expressed to her that he still loved me. I have an idea why this girl felt so threatened, I’m positive it is because she is insecure . ( I say girl because no real woman would act in such a way.) She got a hold of my phone number which later my girl’s father¬†told me¬†that she got it off of his cell phone. She began to call me, from restricted numbers or numbers that where unavailable.¬†Not just call me, but harassed me. I was in school and doing my internship, and every time I checked my phone, I had about 65 missed calls and 25 voice mails. In the voice mails, she would say that I should be jealous of her because my daughter’s father married her already. That my daughter’s where bastards, and that his family and everyone knew it. She said, that I now looked hideous, that my body was gross and flabby and covered in stretch marks and that’s why he left me. She called my dad a coke head. She¬†sent threatening letters to my home, about how someone would harm my daughter.¬† Every time¬†she called, I was ready to answer her calls to give her a piece of my mind, but she would call over and over and every time I answered her, she hung up. I was already going through way too much to play games with her. I actually had a¬†little being that needed me. Unlike her, I had to grow up fast and I didn’t recent it because it was for my daughter’s. All of this however didn’t help my mental health. One day, I was sitting at the DMV waiting to be called (I had my identity stolen at the age of 19.) I had endless driving tickets that weren’t mine to take care of¬†because I needed my license to always be active, it was what fed my girls and¬†I. An older gentleman approached me and said, “I see your tired soul, just know, that he is with you and that all will be fine.” It was exactly what I needed, that boost to keep me going for my unborn baby and for my daughter. I finished school, and walked the stage 2 weeks before I delivered my second daughter worked 2 jobs, got our own place and was paying for my car. Then, I delivered my second daughter. It’s crazy because my mind was in such a haze then that there¬†are many things I can’t remember no matter how much I try. My beautiful girl asked a while back, why there wasn’t a lot of pictures of her when she was a baby, and I blame myself, but I was so broken that all I could do was just exist, but the memories of her as a baby and her as a little girl, I keep close to my soul. After her delivery, I had a major depressive episode. I fed my girls,¬†made sure they were taken care of and then cry by myself for hours on the couch. My dad has always had a sixth sense when it comes to my mental health. He felt what I was going through and he and my mom, decided to send the girls and I to my grandma’s. They thought it would be good¬†if I had a change of¬†scenery.¬†They where right, being with family pulled me out of my depression. I wanted to live again, there was hope. I however had to eventually leave and get back to work for the girl’s and I. I was terrified, I didn’t want to come back and fall into that state of mind again. Soon after, I would learn that their father’s family was once again denying my baby, I can’t just blame his family either, he was there, he’s an adult why didn’t he stand up for them? it was questions that filled up my mind. The¬†night I arrived from my grandmother’s house in Kansas, their father contacted me to meet our new daughter and to see how they both where. I took both girls to see¬†him at a local burger place. Hailee remembered him leaving and wanted nothing to do with him, Lydia was only two months. He now wanted to be a part of their lives and I didn’t have the heart to deny him that… Little did I know the huge roller coaster ride I had just thrown on myself.

To be continued…..

Lydia: “In my daughter’s eyes, I am a hero, I am strong and wise, and I know no fear, But the truth is plain to see, She was sent to rescue me. I see who I want to be, In my daughter’s eyes.

 

17 thoughts on “Postpartum Depression II”

  1. What a horrific experience! I am 20 right now, in school and in an internship, and I cannot imagine what life would be like were I in your place. Though I don’t know you, I’m so happy you and your daughters survived those times! Thanks for this follow-up post to the last one. ‚̧ԳŹ

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  2. I am very happy and proud of what you have done for your daughters and yourself. You have a strong spirit which comes through in your post. Keep writing it helps to express your thoughts to the audience on wordpress !! Never forget that God is always with you just talk to him.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome. I was raised by a single mother. I can relate to your feelings. I am happy to be of service in this way. I will keep reading your blog posts. God bless you and your family.

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  3. I feel deeply for you, keep staying strong with the focus on you and the girls. Every decision must support that priority. If mom isn’t ok the kids can feel it. Push the negative out of your life, including family if you have to. It’s hard but your girls do not need to carry the harsh and negative words on their shoulders. I pray your next post ends on a better note. I’m always here if you need to talk. M

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