mental illness

The Awakening

jean grey, dark phoenix, and sophie turner image

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

*the above verse was read at my wedding

Gaslighting definition: Gaslighting is used to describe abusive behavior, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a was as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality.

Triangulation (in relationship) definition: refers to a form of splitting in which one person manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Triangulation may manifest itself as a manipulative device to engineer rivalry between two people, known as divide and conquer of playing one (person) against another.

 

Even the most confident mind can be broken down when gaslighted combined with empathy and love for another human being, gaslighting can be emotionally destroying to a person, and in my case it was.

My questions to myself:

  • How could I be so naive?
  • How could I not have known?
  • Why didn’t I speak up sooner?
  • Why didn’t I look into my suspicions sooner?
  • How could I let it go on so long
  • How and why did I, let it destroy myself and my children

My only answer at the moment, is that I’m learning, I’m awake now, I know better now.

It’s crazy what this form of abuse does inside of you, I mean I’ve heard and have even seen others go through it in the past, I’m not the only one that has ever gone through this and won’t be the last, but hearing it, seeing it and reading it, are completely different then feeling it. It leaves you afraid to trust in anyone, not knowing who your people are anymore because of so much bogus stupidity and lies that were said about you. In the beginning, it leaves you questioning your sanity, there are years of beautiful memories lost in my brain that I can’t access because it left me unsure of what was true. When you’ve been physically, emotionally and spiritually abused and that person never owns up to it, acknowledges it, let alone apologizes for it and even denies it and they are supposed to be the person that Loves you, it leaves you unbalanced. Love mixed with manipulation is poison. However, I am learning that I don’t need that apology, acknowledgement or anything else to feel that balance, in the darkest of times sometimes you see the light, and that’s exactly what happened.

For years I was made out to look like I was crazy, I was a cheater, I was lazy, and God only knows what else. I had females coming at me, with personal attacks that only my circle would know so I started distrusting people, being distant with friends, and eventually friends would get distant with me. In my awakening I learned that the person that meant me harm was in my home the whole time. Talking to other females about me so they could see me in some type of way and hate me, telling them lies that I was crazy and wouldn’t leave him alone. So these women would come for me thinking they were defending this poor innocent man from a psycho. Friends were targeted and made to believe all kinds of lies so they could condone and hide his wrong doings. There was a set up fight between my Mom and I. It was a constant bating of me against other people and other people against me, it left me confused unsure of anything. I was even diagnosed bipolar and was put on bipolar medication, this was before therapy just on medication. I couldn’t attend therapy sessions because if I did, I would get harrassed and my daughters would get told I was out cheating, this also occurred when I went to work and unfortunately, I worked a lot to supplement both incomes. It puts you in this constant state of fight or flight, that it destroys your inner peace. I blame myself at times for not leaving sooner and letting it affect my children so much, but after watching him degrade them, steal from them, and then discard them for calling him out on his truth. It made me grateful that they are now emotionally strong enough to withstand what he has always done to both of them. The minute he denied them and allowed others to do so, I knew that I needed to equip them with the strength to withstand the storm. I didn’t bring my girls into adult mess, he did, I simply gave them the power to finally defend themselves from people that seek to destroy them. I don’t want my daughters to go through this, and they were seeing a mother that was allowing the abuse and they were learning to accept it also. Their perception of love was being tarnished, and I don’t want that for my children, I want them to find love, real love. The kind that is patient, the kind that is Kind, even in anger. My biggest regret that I too let it turn me ugly, I allowed it to get a reaction out of me because that’s exactly what the purpose of it all was, to always get a reaction out of me. He would lie about where he was and would go out with mutual friends and then tell them that I was crazy for blowing up his phone. He would mess around with other females and have them/him/who knows who anonymously call me and hint out to me what he was doing. There were fake social media profiles of me of all kinds made up to lie to friends and family. He would talk to other females and bate me for a conversation, to screenshot only to crop or leave out the parts where he was lying and make me look crazy. To those Queens who fixed my crown without telling the world it was croquet and opened my eyes to my new reality, you are part of women empowerment and my self worth thanks you.

The good so far that has come out of this. They helped me prove to myself that I wasn’t perceiving, I wasn’t crazy and I deserve real love. Real love isn’t perfect, it makes mistakes and it takes two people learning each other. Real love however doesn’t purposely hurt, doesn’t purposely destroy, doesn’t seek to belittle. Years ago, I lost faith in real love, I was unsure if it existed, in this time, I was also away from my faith because faith and attending church was a problem for him too. It left my soul lonely, unloved. In my storm, I turned to my higher power and he has shown me his love, and so although certain things in life happen that can break you, you can either allow them to or you can grow from them, I chose to grow. I chose to accept that although loved incorrectly by someone, my children and I deserve to be loved correctly. In healing we will grow.

I have been criticized for finally bringing it all to light and speaking the truth. I’ve been called unloyal, lazy, and many other things. To that I say, I can’t hear you, I’m in the arena and you’re too far, come tell me when you’re in here?

“I don’t know what is supposed to rise from all of these ashes, but I suspect it’s going to be me.” – Kristina Mahr

“I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees, prayin’…

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “The Awakening”

  1. Thanks for your like at ShirleyFessel.com. Covert abuse is so subtle, gradual and insidious, even the strongest and smartest women can fall prey. Add the force of Bible verses and another layer of religoous abuse is added. Redemption from Biblical Battering allows the victim to process the maze and become a survivor. When we share our stories we can shed the shame. I am grateful you are doing that.

    Liked by 1 person

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