mental illness

Intense Intimate Trauma

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Stop telling yourself you can fix him. He’s been this way for a long, long time and he doesn’t intend to change. Don’t be a sacrificial lamb on the altar of his rage. Don’t play the martyr to his hate. You can never save someone by letting them destroy you. That’s not love, it’s relational suicide. Save yourself instead. Get out while there’s still time.”– John Mark Green

When we experience a traumatic event of any type, our body goes into physiological “survival mode”—a response which, if not completed and returned to normal regulation of the nervous system, can lead to emotional and physical intimacy issues.

The greatest heart break came, not from the actual betrayal, not from the actual affair, the biggest heart break I experienced came from trusting someone with all my being and watching them publicly destroy me.

The cheating accusations where always there, since day one. Now that I’m seeing my old life from the outside looking in, the red flags where obvious, however when your not wide awake and your blinded by love, you tend to ignore your instincts and push through, hoping this person will see their wrong and appreciate the love you have to offer. The basis for my daughter’s always being told by others and by their father that they aren’t his time and time again was built around the fact that he always told friends and family that I cheated, without any evidence without anything solid to back it up, just based off him simply wanting control, and not wanting to take responsibility for them. When you are doing to someone else the same thing you accuse them of, that is called deflection of responsibility. In his stories, all his exes cheated, poor man non of these girls where loyal. (remember we mentioned red flags, there’s your red flag.)

Triangulation, taunting and abuse started from the beginning, I just didn’t know what I was experiencing until I started therapy. When we first started dating, one minute things where fine and the next minute, I would get a call from him at work on an evening blowing up on me because he thought he had just seen me at a red light with a guy in my car, while I sat at the office of the dealership I worked at with my best friend, confused out of my mind because I had been there since 9 am and no where else. The intent would eventually surface. He made it a point to blame me for things he had no evidence of and frankly where made up to start fights so he could spend time with other females.

Then the taunting would start. He would wear other women’s rigs in front of me to make it a point I saw it on him. This particular girl, the owner of the ring and I ended up mending fences after my daughter was born through a Facebook message. She opened my eyes to the things he said about me to convince her that I was a bad person, so he could convince her that his betrayal with her was okay. She apologized for not knowing and has since remained a friend. I also later on found out that after my daughter was born in an effort to spite his daughter’s mother, he had an affair with his neighbor while him and I where together and my oldest daughter was months old. He would answer phone calls from her pretending it was her dad and he was calling to ask for his help with a job around their home, when in reality I learned later on, that it was her calling and they where setting up a time to meet to sleep with each other.

Fake accounts where created of not just me but of his exes, to anonymously send messages about the relationships he had with the different females. He would blame the messages on the exes, the exes would blame the messages on him. I was blamed for messages, it was a web of lies and children games. The messaging continued through out the years no matter how many times our numbers where changed, they began messaging my daughters and calling their phones also, it is sinister.

After the strangulation incident when I was pregnant with my daughter. The physical abuse subsided, however the emotional and mental abuse was turned up in heat. He taunted me after my daughter was born by telling me that his ex, the one he accused of the calls was asking his sister for pictures of my new baby. The same girl that left messages on my phone calling my older daughters bastards. It mind blew me, in many ways.

  1. If all this was true and she was the problem, then why did himself and his family continue to expose my children to this person.
  2. Who in their right mind and for what reason would anyone want a picture of my new baby if they despised us so much.

I decided that my hands where full, I needed to be all that I could be for the three little beings I now had in my care and taking care of a man and his ex problems wasn’t on my priority list. So I put it on the back burner and decided that as usual, I wouldn’t dig, I would try to just live and hopefully with maturity this would all just go away and we could call it a lesson. Little did I know I would be destroyed in the process.

The sexual harassment started early on. After every baby, in the time I wasn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because my body needed time to heal from birth, he would post about how I refused to have sex, he would make jokes in front of friends and family about how I wouldn’t sleep with him and when they would point out I couldn’t he pointed out that I still owned hands and a mouth. Regardless of us having sex more often then most couples despite the fact that I was working a full time job and mothering 3 kids. Eventually as our girls got older he would harass them by telling them I wouldn’t sleep with him so he had to go masturbate, he would elaborate to them the porn he would watch while doing it, sometimes while on the phone with their friends. In his eyes it was my fault, I was his partner, the mother of his children and it was my responsibility to satisfy him when he wanted it, or else the abuse would rage on. I worked nights and one day I came downstairs after sleeping in the morning at 2pm to find him masturbating to porn on the computer while our 2 year old daughter intently watched Rio in the same living room. I understand that as humans we have needs, however there is an appropriate time and place for everything and in the living room where our 2 year old watched her movie was not the place or the time.

It left me in fear, I stopped to analyze the situation and convinced myself that maybe, I could just give more, maybe this could also be resolved in some way. So I increased the sex life, he wanted us to make sex videos, I figured he’s my partner, if I can’t trust anyone else, who can I trust. This mentality is a dangerous one.

After my son was born, the cheating accusation grew more and more. Anytime he fell short, anytime he lost a job because he didn’t show up, anytime we lost a home because he didn’t contribute, anytime he had a car taken away for a suspended license, anytime he worked a job and came up on crazy overtime that he never got paid for, the cheating accusations increased more and more. He would go through my phone and I knew it and allowed it because I was always trying to prove that I was faithful, always blaming myself, believing what he was telling me. He then couldn’t find evidence of cheating so he would go through my messages with friends and then judge them for their conversations with me or throw conversations with me discussed over text in their face. Friends stopped coming around and messaging me, when I changed the password to my phone because I desperately needed friend time, and interaction and messaging them now felt unsafe, he threw a fit and told my girls I did it cause I was cheating. When my friend text me an “I’m home now babe.” because she had been out on a date with a new guy, he took my phone, left the house and told my kids and my mom that I was cheating, took his stuff and did his best to make me feel guilty, even after I proved it was her messaging me. He would message my close friends and tell them that I was cheating. I’m grateful for the few of them that stood up for me and didn’t continue with the game. He would tell my daughter’s that every time I was on my phone, I was cheating, that every time I left for work, I was cheating. He would harass me so much about work, that I would have to post pictures or snap chats of me there to prove I was at work. He would text me requesting nudes while I was at work and when I’d say I was too busy and too uncomfortable to do it, he would accuse me of cheating again. It murdered the relationship, intimacy became a chore because I felt harassed. I yearned for real intimacy, not the kind I had to repeatedly prove myself to.

After I lost my job, I took some time off on disability to care for my mental health, however there was still always income from me coming into the home. He started insisting we create a premium snap chat with our sex videos, he insisted couples made a lot of money that way and it could help us financially. I heard it, but rejected the idea simply because although the financial struggle was there, I wasn’t sure I could ever be alright with my kids knowing it when they get older. As the time went by, he mentioned it multiple times and I dismissed it, not in a harsh way, just brushed it off, I think I was shielding myself from the pain that after all I was giving for this man, he still required more. I had upped the sexual game years before but sex evolved after the premium snap chat mention. He wanted to film every encounter this time. I already anticipated the time he would want to do it and it gave me anxiety, my instincts where telling me that something felt off.

One day while sitting at home, I get an anonymous private message from a fake account on Instagram, with no picture, and what looked like the alphabet for a name with a picture of my nudes with “happy hour” props photo shopped to the picture, along with a picture of my 3 daughter’s Instagram saying that if I didn’t send more nudes, they would send my nudes to my daughter’s and force them to send some of them or mine would be leaked.

I can not begin to tell you the amount of hurt, disappointment and rage that entered my being. I immediately threatened the account, reported it, went through all of my daughter’s accounts and spoke to them about online safety and ignoring messages and not talking to strangers etc. All I did was look at him and tell him, “I know what the fuck you did, take it the hell down.” My realization hit me, that’s why the increase in filming, that’s why the insistence on convincing me a premium snap chat was the thing to do, because he had taken it upon himself to do it anyway regardless of my consent and in the process, he put my girls at risk. I tried my hardest to continue the relationship normally after this incident but the little bit of trust that was left was so deeply violated that it left me paralyzed intimately.  I soon after told him I could no longer see myself being intimate with him and for that I’d have to end the marriage. He insisted that it wasn’t done as a way to degrade me but simply as income, but he would remove it and work on our intimacy. Instead, he began having a relationship with a new woman, while in the 4 walls of our home telling my children and I he was trying to be a better person for us. He lied to her and told her even though he was in the home, the betrayal was warranted because I was doing my own thing (dating), which I wasn’t I was healing. I was doing therapy groups and classes, doing individual therapy, and working with my psychiatrist because she was insistent that she didn’t believe my bipolar diagnosis was accurate, I am grateful now for her questioning it,  reconnecting with friends, because his betrayal left me shattered and lonely, seeking love from anywhere I could grab it, and eventually surprisingly, thanks to a recommendation to him from a family friend that remained friends with him, I threw myself into my new religion and my new church, I tried my best to grab hold of anything and anyone that could help heal my shattered soul.

He would go in my purse and steal money I had for my kids to purchase shoes for his new supply, to the point I had none left to supply myself with the vitamins I needed for my weight loss surgery recovery. When I became severely anemic from the vitamin deficiency and my body started busing, he lied to his new supply and told her, I sneak out at night and came home to my kids full of hickeys. That never happened and I’m glad my girls got to see the messages of his lies and see that, that isn’t their Mommy because not even withing the marriage would I come home to them with hickeys. After everything exploded, I had old high school friends message me on social media and tell me that there where fake social media sites created of me to advertise the premium snap chats and he had sent them screenshots of them or showed them. I had friends message and tell me that they knew about the new girl but justified it because he lied to them and told them I had created the accounts that I now believe where only created to advertised the paid snap chats. I am grateful to have angels on my side that look out for me even when I don’t know what to look for.

After speaking to his new supply, I confirmed what evil lurked in the home my kids and I where staying in. He told her I knew about her and was fine with it because I was doing my own thing. Yet he was cropping and sending her messages between him and I and cutting off the part he sent to her where he denies her to me. He would tell me he was working while at her house. He would call me from her house and tell me how the job he was working on where just him and 1 more guy and it was so unorganized he couldn’t wait to get done to come home.  The amount of work put into lying was surreal.

A man that is only out for his own well being, will end you, break you and try his best to leave you and empty vessel, if that means him not having to take responsibility for his actions. You can justify a wrong doing all you want. Let’s stop with the sugar coating already. Only 2 people know what happens in their 4 walls. A man that is in his families home and refuses to leave, not for the kids but to harass his wife about more time, more sex, more money, and is lying in the process is called a betrayal Period! Screenshots Attached.

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Did I say multiple times that it was over? I was afraid of being intimate again with  a person that never respected my boundaries, and publicly humiliated me and put me in a situation where I feared my daughters purity being taken. So yes, I was hurt and setting boundaries. Did he have the right to move on? yes had he been honest and said he didn’t want to face the damage he caused to our family, however the right thing to do was to be honest, not lie and pretend to be invested, and leave the home so he didn’t disrespect myself and our children. I think the pain left behind was enough, this was salt on a wound.

 

“and after everything you’ve done, I can thank you for how strong I have become…”

 

 

5 thoughts on “Intense Intimate Trauma”

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I have gone no contact as much as possible now, with the help of family. I can no longer expose my energy to him. I’m in healing and have joined a divorce recovery group at my church also. Writing, therapy and prayer are helping me forgive and heal. Thank you for reading my friend and for your encouragement, people like you help uplift me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad that you are getting all the help and love that you need. What you’ve been through is unimaginable. You don’t deserve that. I understand it is harder when you are married and with kids. Nobody wants a broken family, but with him in your life is not even building a family at all. It will take time to heal, but you will for sure.

        Like

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