mental illness

Debilitating Perturbation

“And all of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had.” (bgt)

anxiety picture

Everyone has some anxiety in one way or another. The college student that is in finales will most likely have anxiety and nervousness¬†about her/his upcoming tests. The first day of a new job or the first day of school may cause most people to have anxiety. That type of anxiety is healthy, it keeps us going and gives us a sense of accomplishment when done. Debilitating Anxiety however, isn’t healthy. I can only tell you how I experience debilitating anxiety. Physically, my hands and feet sweat puddles, my feet will literally slide of my sandal from them sweating. I get flushed, my heart beats a million miles an hour, I start to feel like my whole body is over heating, I get migraines from anxiety, sometimes my body aches for no reason. Mentally, If I’m not busy, my mind starts over thinking,over analyzing. My thoughts become dark and not to tear anyone apart in any way, only to tear me apart. The darkness in my brain engulfs me with thoughts of not being worthy, my mind forgave the people who left my side, but it never forgave me for what my mind was telling me, which was that I must have done something or something in me wasn’t worthy of them staying. Simple things cause anxiety for me, making calls and talking on the phone gives me anxiety, meeting new people gives me anxiety. My anxiety is debilitating at times in so many ways. It has such a power to affect the ones I love. I’m hoping to one day fully mend the pain that my anxiety has caused myself and my loved ones. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the journey of finally putting my mental health first. Self Care is one thing in my life that won’t be put on the back burner again.

Advertisements
mental illness

Black Despair

“You wake up every morning to fight the demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”IMG_7930

I think I remember my first depressive episode happening in¬†my early 20’s. I had gone through so much already at that age that honestly I’m not surprised I didn’t end up in a long term hospital because I lost my shit (please excuse my language, I come from a very blunt family so I feel like if I can’t be myself in¬†my¬†blog, if I can’t write it like I think¬†it,¬†¬†it will be difficult¬†to get to¬†know me, so I embrace who I am.) I however of course was still majorly depressed, so I did what I normally now do and sleep, I slept what felt like days. At the time however I already had my first daughter and it was just¬†her and I¬†against the world. I vaguely remember her and I sleeping a lot, I remember getting¬†up for work everyday, making sure she ate and was clean and then, it was like my mind turned off, I would end up sleeping with her for hours. Till this day I feel guilty and it breaks my heart to know that in some way or another she¬†is affected by it. However being so young and coming from a family that knew, nor taught anything about mental illness, I was so hard on myself, I retraced step by step every single thing I thought I did wrong or anytime I hurt a family member with an outburst (caused from keeping quiet so I wouldn’t upset anyone.) I didn’t just retrace it but I would beat myself up about it. I blamed myself for people who walked all over me and left me to pick up the pieces. I was and still am my worst critic. I am now learning however that I can’t continue to make excuses and blame myself for a handful of people that have chosen to walk out of my life. I also need to let go of the idea that when I hit a depressive state, I’m being a horrible mother, I hope my kids understand that on some days ¬†Mommy only did her best because her mind was so engulfed in darkness that in that moment that’s all she could give.

mental illness

Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

bipolar_mania

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can¬†or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things¬† done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thoughts. I stress myself out¬†about getting it all done because I never know when the mania will leave and my¬†depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep. ¬†I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,¬† and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.

mental illness

BIPOLAR 1

“Your only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”-Robin Williams

The confirmed diagnosis. I had a major depressive disorder diagnosis, for about 2 years before it changed. I was of course on medication and waiting for it to help with my chaotic mind. ¬†It helped a bit, but not enough to change my quality of life. I still had extreme lows and extreme highs, at the time however I hadn’t noticed it.¬† When I finally question my diagnosis was when my mind went back to all my¬† ups and lows. There where days, weeks, or even months sometimes where I could work like a mad women. Sometimes working 7 nights in¬†a row a week, plus crocheting, coloring, watching every binge worthy show in sight and still manage to stay up with my son till 5pm, pick up kids at school and feed them. Of course, the higher the high, the lower the low. Super mommy eventually burned out, there where days where it hurt to get out of bed, and it didn’t help that I felt guilty with my kids for always being tired. Often I would push through on no sleep and run¬†around Disneyland with them, or we would drive anywhere just to eat good food, or sometimes even the beach.¬†My highs where fun not just for me Continue reading “BIPOLAR 1”

mental illness, Uncategorized

AMBIVERT

Thanks for joining me!

I’m both; introvert and extrovert. I like people but I need to be alone. I’ll go out, vibe, and meet new people but it has an expiration, because I have to recharge. If I don’t find the valuable time I need¬†to recharge I cannot be my highest self.”-Sylvester McNutt III

Growing up, I never imagined that there was anyone else that felt the same way I did. I didn’t understand why, one minute I loved people around me like¬†family, friends and people I loved, and want nothing to do with them, the next minute. It took me stopping (or life forcing me to stop) and look at myself and try my best to understand just who I am. In the process, I realized a few things that I now don’t let defined me but have definitely decided that¬† I will do all I can to live my best life, by¬†learning to live with what my highest power has given me, and taking it as a blessing rather than a curse. I am an empath, and ambivert, living with Bipolar 1 disorder. This is my progress, what I have learned and will learn along the way. I’m far from perfect but if this will help someone and help me meet people and hear stories of others that are like me, It will be all I ask for.